Facade

I live in a facade. No one can ever find out.

They are too selfish, too absorbed in their own problems. 

They don't realize what a liar I have become.

 Of affections, of my own emotions, of the daily life

 They don't know that I'm wholly broken.  

I laugh but it doesn't reach my eyes. 

So, late at night, with the moon as witness- I drink away my sorrows.

 Gin. Vodka. Wine.

 I'll drink anything to forget...the sham I'll do anything to get better

. I swallow pills of wonder

I swallow the forced- reality

I much rather live in my dreams

I'm safe there.

 In my dreams,

I can live

Effortlessly 

No panic

, no one will ever figure out what lays behind the mask.

A mousy woman who observes everything around her

. Don't you think it's strange that I can figure someone out- just by looking through their eyes? 

That's the problem with the world.

They don't look at the one place where you can't fake.

 In my dreams, I see brown eyes with specks of green. My mother's eyes

. Eyes that were both crazy and sane  all at once. 

She was an observor too. 

She saw through the world's bullshit

 Just as I do

.She died

. And with her death, my safety- net went with her.

 Alone, friendless and unhappy.

 It's who I am now. I could break the cycle. I could, but I won't for the facade is my only protection

From judgement eyes. 

The facade is flawless, no one can see in. No one can see the hate-filled eyes of mine. 

Alone, friendless

 Starved for affection. 

I could stop the cycle.

 But then I'll have to uncover the mask. 

I'm not ready for that. 

Just yet.

The Grim of Joy

I used to be a very logical woman. A woman that loved control, and because of that is wary of love.

When you are in love, you lose control of your emotions-emotions I try so desperately to control, and in this case to hide.

I used to wear an aloof mask, in case someone can see through all my flaws. I deceived, I made them believe I am sane.

Then I met a man; a charming, handsome man.

He was like sweet poison. It tasted fine at first, and then destroyed.

It destroyed my heart, an organ I tend not to think about.

It destroyed me.

He was The Grim, but instead of taking lives, he took away joy.

My joy.

I'm finally free

If was as if her memories were taken,  blissfully streamed from her conscious mind. He was of no importance. She was free.  


I was at an inn, drinking wine and lost in thought.
When I fell asleep, it was like someone sucked out  all my affection for Him.

I imagined it as if a magical creature touching my head, digging through my mind, reaching and taking my misplaced affection for a man that caused me nothing but anguish.

It was like any and every affection I had for him was blissfully gone.

Gone like when lightning passes and the after is glorious sunshine.

It was the first time in a long while where  I felt free.

I had my wings again.
I flew from all my self-loathing that stemmed from my masochistic affection from Him

I was finally, finally free.