I live in a facade. No one can ever find out.
They are too selfish, too absorbed in their own problems.
They don't realize what a liar I have become.
Of affections, of my own emotions, of the daily life
They don't know that I'm wholly broken.
I laugh but it doesn't reach my eyes.
So, late at night, with the moon as witness- I drink away my sorrows.
Gin. Vodka. Wine.
I'll drink anything to forget...the sham I'll do anything to get better
. I swallow pills of wonder
I swallow the forced- reality
I much rather live in my dreams
I'm safe there.
In my dreams,
I can live
Effortlessly
No panic
, no one will ever figure out what lays behind the mask.
A mousy woman who observes everything around her
. Don't you think it's strange that I can figure someone out- just by looking through their eyes?
That's the problem with the world.
They don't look at the one place where you can't fake.
In my dreams, I see brown eyes with specks of green. My mother's eyes
. Eyes that were both crazy and sane all at once.
She was an observor too.
She saw through the world's bullshit
Just as I do
.She died
. And with her death, my safety- net went with her.
Alone, friendless and unhappy.
It's who I am now. I could break the cycle. I could, but I won't for the facade is my only protection
From judgement eyes.
The facade is flawless, no one can see in. No one can see the hate-filled eyes of mine.
Alone, friendless
Starved for affection.
I could stop the cycle.
But then I'll have to uncover the mask.
I'm not ready for that.
Just yet.
